‘I can’t, I can’t, I just can’t!’

Sometimes I feel like a little girl. Sometimes I truly believe a sentence stops at ‘I can’t’ or ‘because (full stop)’. A little girl who simply harps on her feelings of resistance and hasn’t quite learnt to use her powers of comprehension to understand the reason behind the resistance. Sometimes I simply dig my heels in the ground, firm and obstinate and completely refuse to do something, to think a particular way, to make some change, to agree with the other half of my conscious. And then I’m stuck in limbo between not acknowledging that the issue needs to be tackled and wanting things to simply sort themselves out. As though if I ignore it long enough it will simply disappear.

There is true bliss in the temporary relief oblivion brings with it. Of course it never lasts too long…the gnawing pressure of reality begins to prick through the bubble and the turtle has to surface from within it’s shell and face the world. That is the hardest part…to step out of your little dreamland and know that you can’t live there. Know that there are things from the littlest to the biggest that you have to face and find a way to deal with because they never simply disappear off the shelf of your mind nor the circumstances of your life.

This applies to all things. Say changing your current hairstyle to something different, discovering a new and easier way to pay off your water bills, including newer expenses into your evergreen and growing monthly list of necessities, being friendly with someone who you didn’t quite like in the first meeting, patching up with a friend, discussing an issue with a partner, trying a genre of fiction (really hard!), hoping the world suddenly agrees with your point of view and last but not the least starting a new blog.

You eventually fight the resistance and do it anyway but the limbo period is a real tough nut to crack. Its like an odd taste in the mouth that you can’t do away with. I mean what’s the big deal? It’s just a blog where you express your ideas, jot down new points of view, make observations, introspect, rant and sometimes make a complete fool of yourself! New blog, old blog, dull colours, bright colours, white space, no space, old name, new name, own name…big deal! How on earth does your entire system resist against doing exactly what it had been doing all along in a new space created not by anyone else but YOU?

But unlike most other things…writing aka expressing is something you can’t resist. It is something you simply have to give in to sooner or later. The surrender is inevitable, the resistance necessary. One fine morning the grass smells divine with the fresh scent of dewdrops on it, the world looks green and blue and cleansed, people look sharper in their own outlines and your ideas contained by the resistance suddenly surge with a new found freedom that spills over a stressed overworked keyboard. You feel the spring in your senses, like a seed struggling to push through the damp earth or water suddenly gushing out of a clogged pipe or the sun shining orange from behind dark rain clouds.

The resistance lifts with a fluidity that leaves it no choice but to disperse in the atmostphere. The spell is broken. It’s a new stage, a new feeling, a re-birth of that old familiar confidence.

It’s impossible to resist life. Fool’s paradise. Paradise lost.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m back!

Tags: change, I'm back!, Resistance