Mr. Frost woke me up today. He bit my cheeks and pressed his cold fingers around my throat and blew into my nose. His chill penetrated my brain and I’ve been suffering from mild numbness in thought and feeling ever since. The thoughts in my head have been rolling out like an old fat lady who finds it difficult to waddle for about two feet in any one direction. And then when the thoughts do slowly plonk out they stand there frozen at the tip of my tongue waiting patiently for me to wake up from my stupor and pronounce them ‘seen’, ‘unseen’, ‘read’ or ‘unread’. That doesn’t happen. I’ve been losing them like as though they simply evaporate after a few moments of not being acknowleged. The first couple of times this happened, I tried in a half measure attempt to look around quizzically wondering where that thought I just had slipped off to. Now it is a well adjusted feeling like having had alzhiemers for years and knowing that to lose is practice. It doesn’t surprise you anymore or cause any kind of anguish. It just leaves you empty and dry and bland, without reaction. And thats not all there seems to be an invisible barrier between me and the outside atmosphere. I can feel it. The sounds, sights and smells are bouncing off this odd force field around me creating a buzz buzz buzzing in my ears. I’ve been shaking my head at odd intervals all day to get rid of the hollow buzzing.

I wish there was someway of being jolted out of this zonked state. Someway of reaching deep deep within to wake yourself up. It’s funny when you have to dig so deep to find yourself when just a few hours ago you were at surface. It’s scary this depth that seems to be so far out of reach no matter how long you grope or how hard you dig to touch yourself. It’s almost like you’re hiding from yourself, like your saying ‘leave me alone’ and banging the door against your own body, your own thoughts, your own feelings. I feel like Peter Pan following his shadow trying to pin it to his foot. It’s all this activity that’s happening way below and the surface is unperturbed, robot like sitting at this computer typing unfelt thoughts wondering when feeling will seep back into these active fingers.

Ever wonder how wierd it it to be human? To have a mind which has endless capacity to think, which can hide in the deepest recesses of the universe while your body sits here as a representative of the spirit? Ever encountered the empty spaces that feel right and wrong and an unnamed quality at the same time? Ever found that to exaplain yourself is the greatest waste of energy when to ‘just be’ and ‘let it happen’ will be a far more efficient and effective way back into life? Ever wanted to simply go off for a walk and leave yourself behind knowing that when you come back you’ll be right there waiting at the corner intact and smiling with a cookie.

My life…it had so many empty spaces. My life…it had so many beautiful faces.

I just felt like saying that.