As a kid I’ve always been told off for being a little too loud, too enthusiastic, too honest, too blunt, too forward and too me. And before I knew, I began to change that. I tried to become more diplomatic, more reserved, less impulsive, began to keep my feelings to myself lest I hurt someone, my opinions to myself lest I make a fool of myself and stopped being me. I became this someone else who deals with problems by brooding over them, thinks twice about confronting friends and family when hurt, feels embarrassed to ask for what she deserves at work, reluctant to demand time from best friends and confused about who she is. It all got too much. I began to feel stifled in my skin. I began to be scared to make mistakes and take chances. Along the way I forgot who I was inspite of feeling displaced every single day.

Then for the past couple of months the old me began to struggle. She began to ask, what exactly was wrong with me? I mean even though I was loud and crazy and blunt and tactless; I was still loved for being an honest friend, appreciated for always telling someone what I thought instead of sneaking behind their backs, liked in a crazy way coz I said tactless things to the wrong people at the wrong time and mostly I enjoyed life being the klutzy me. I didn’t care about the criticism or the concerned disdain from those serious souls who can’t laugh at life’s mishaps. I was just always optimistic…my favourite line was whats the worst that could happen? And then I let myself forget what it truly means.

I had let myself down. I let them affect my self confidence. Instead of trying to hone my certain individual specialities I sought to change them subconsciously and try and become this responsible, reserved, valued person. Wrong. So wrong. :-) But then change is always multifold and unless you see both sides of the coin you never know what’s best for you. I’m going to be me. I think it might be difficult for a while because I’ve been different for so long. But am going to be me and I’m going to be free. To hell with the world. I’m going to make my mistakes and I’m going to have a good laugh over them and learn from them. I’m not going to be careful anymore. I can’t keep living in a cage. It’s wrong.

So yesterday, I kinda walked up to this new friend and totally told him about some concerns I had. I was completely honest and also nice. I didn’t hurt him because I said the truth and guess what? After months of worrying about it just one simple conversation set it right. He’s fine with it…understands my quirk and we came to a mutual solution. Feels so good. Phew! Am glad to be back!

And I plan to smile and stumble through life. So, I guess you just have to live with it!