As a kid I’ve always been told off for being a little too loud, too enthusiastic, too honest, too blunt, too forward and too me. And before I knew, I began to change that. I tried to become more diplomatic, more reserved, less impulsive, began to keep my feelings to myself lest I hurt someone, my opinions to myself lest I make a fool of myself and stopped being me. I became this someone else who deals with problems by brooding over them, thinks twice about confronting friends and family when hurt, feels embarrassed to ask for what she deserves at work, reluctant to demand time from best friends and confused about who she is. It all got too much. I began to feel stifled in my skin. I began to be scared to make mistakes and take chances. Along the way I forgot who I was inspite of feeling displaced every single day.

Then for the past couple of months the old me began to struggle. She began to ask, what exactly was wrong with me? I mean even though I was loud and crazy and blunt and tactless; I was still loved for being an honest friend, appreciated for always telling someone what I thought instead of sneaking behind their backs, liked in a crazy way coz I said tactless things to the wrong people at the wrong time and mostly I enjoyed life being the klutzy me. I didn’t care about the criticism or the concerned disdain from those serious souls who can’t laugh at life’s mishaps. I was just always optimistic…my favourite line was whats the worst that could happen? And then I let myself forget what it truly means.

I had let myself down. I let them affect my self confidence. Instead of trying to hone my certain individual specialities I sought to change them subconsciously and try and become this responsible, reserved, valued person. Wrong. So wrong. :-) But then change is always multifold and unless you see both sides of the coin you never know what’s best for you. I’m going to be me. I think it might be difficult for a while because I’ve been different for so long. But am going to be me and I’m going to be free. To hell with the world. I’m going to make my mistakes and I’m going to have a good laugh over them and learn from them. I’m not going to be careful anymore. I can’t keep living in a cage. It’s wrong.

So yesterday, I kinda walked up to this new friend and totally told him about some concerns I had. I was completely honest and also nice. I didn’t hurt him because I said the truth and guess what? After months of worrying about it just one simple conversation set it right. He’s fine with it…understands my quirk and we came to a mutual solution. Feels so good. Phew! Am glad to be back!

And I plan to smile and stumble through life. So, I guess you just have to live with it!

Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

- Abraham Lincoln

‘Where am I headed?’ It seems like the commonest question asked. Any elder would say its a question that comes with your age. In time you’ll get there. ‘But where?’ You’ll know once you’ve arrived that you knew all along.

Philosophical bull crap.

There’s too much to do

the yearning’s strong

I fill out the lists

but the priorities are wrong.

And with all these desires

to be strong, smart, successfull and well known

who am I?

And how do I find my own?

There is a clash of personalities

not out there but in my own mind

I want it all…wealth, experience, stature

and an urge to be satisfied for having lived wise and kind.

Why does it all seem like different paths…

Why can’t there be one road to all destinations?

Where are the signposts to guide us…

How do I take all the baby steps to fulfill my resolutions?

Do I lack will?

or some unknown strength of character to pull it off?

Have I missed the light

or am I just following the wrong prof?

The lanes seem so many and so winding

my songs tunes keep on changing

Why can’t I just know?

Where sleeps my intuition?

If I could just see…

How to make my dreams come true

to be better and grow into this misty ideal

to walk on a sure path with shoes that just knew.

But the answer is still hiding

this life is so long

and yet time is running out

Sleep calls…tomorrow might bring the right song.

If only…

Don’t be fooled by the look, by the cover of the book.

Behind the make-up, the done-up hair, don’t miss the little tag: ‘Handle With Care’

I gave it a lot of thought about Alpha women. So strong, so proud, so firm; yet so kind, so gentle, so soft. I think an Alpha woman though strong and stubborn against the world, is looking for a man stronger who can make her feel secure in her weakness and proud in her meekness. A man with whom the strength can come undone because he will take care of the rest.

The wait might be long, the hours swamped with ambition and passion.

The filly might be strong, with fine muscle powerful against a gleaming well groomed coat.

The defences might be stubborn; seeking to find integrity stable and steady

The eyes might playfully sharp, pausing the imposter in his tracks

But when he comes along; like just another ordinary guy, unpretentious and unasuming

The hours condense into droplets of evergreen time, of peace, calm, serenity and knowing

That strength, passion, courage, hope and love have come together and are at home.