A lot. I can’t make it go away. It insists on stuffing itself down my throat, pounding into my head, grazing the recesses of my eyes, clouding my wind pipe and making it difficult for me to breathe. I do everything I can to make it go away…I walk in the fresh air, I sing a song, I dance, I talk to friends, I read a book but it continues to stifle me. Its become an enemy. My own thought is my enemy. I can’t stop, I can’t sleep, I can’t rest. It makes me feel miserable and there seems to be no way out of my own head. I always thought I was the best with stress…nothing would beat my spirit but I was wrong and right now I don’t know how to beat the despair. It has stopped coming. Now, it simply stays. How? How am I gonna win this struggle. How am I gonna beat myself. I want to…desperately…but for now I am losing. Losing badly. I have to do it. I have to find a way. I have to.

As a kid I’ve always been told off for being a little too loud, too enthusiastic, too honest, too blunt, too forward and too me. And before I knew, I began to change that. I tried to become more diplomatic, more reserved, less impulsive, began to keep my feelings to myself lest I hurt someone, my opinions to myself lest I make a fool of myself and stopped being me. I became this someone else who deals with problems by brooding over them, thinks twice about confronting friends and family when hurt, feels embarrassed to ask for what she deserves at work, reluctant to demand time from best friends and confused about who she is. It all got too much. I began to feel stifled in my skin. I began to be scared to make mistakes and take chances. Along the way I forgot who I was inspite of feeling displaced every single day.

Then for the past couple of months the old me began to struggle. She began to ask, what exactly was wrong with me? I mean even though I was loud and crazy and blunt and tactless; I was still loved for being an honest friend, appreciated for always telling someone what I thought instead of sneaking behind their backs, liked in a crazy way coz I said tactless things to the wrong people at the wrong time and mostly I enjoyed life being the klutzy me. I didn’t care about the criticism or the concerned disdain from those serious souls who can’t laugh at life’s mishaps. I was just always optimistic…my favourite line was whats the worst that could happen? And then I let myself forget what it truly means.

I had let myself down. I let them affect my self confidence. Instead of trying to hone my certain individual specialities I sought to change them subconsciously and try and become this responsible, reserved, valued person. Wrong. So wrong. :-) But then change is always multifold and unless you see both sides of the coin you never know what’s best for you. I’m going to be me. I think it might be difficult for a while because I’ve been different for so long. But am going to be me and I’m going to be free. To hell with the world. I’m going to make my mistakes and I’m going to have a good laugh over them and learn from them. I’m not going to be careful anymore. I can’t keep living in a cage. It’s wrong.

So yesterday, I kinda walked up to this new friend and totally told him about some concerns I had. I was completely honest and also nice. I didn’t hurt him because I said the truth and guess what? After months of worrying about it just one simple conversation set it right. He’s fine with it…understands my quirk and we came to a mutual solution. Feels so good. Phew! Am glad to be back!

And I plan to smile and stumble through life. So, I guess you just have to live with it!

Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

- Abraham Lincoln

A lot has slowed down off late. The motivation to do great things such as succeed at a fast pace are slowly getting dimmer. I wonder if this is because I am in love. I mean is this because I am slowly falling into the complacency of believing that someone else will take care of me? Does that mean that my ambition stems from all thins superficial? Does this mean that I am truly driven to do great things and learn and be a good professional? What does this mean? And why am I scared of this feeling? I don’t want to become completely dependant on someone else. i don’t want to find my meaning through them. I need to be me and I need to be proud of who I am.

Am I over-reacting? Is this slow down because I am becoming accustomed to the pace of the world and have realised that even success comes at a slow pace? Is it because I have realised that things come only when they have to and we can’t expect them before their time? Is it because I have realised that there is no short cut to hard work and I need to work hard first and foremost before i expect any reward?

Or is it because I have truly become lazy? I think it might be a combination of the two because in all fairness it would be wrong to say I am not doing my little bit to look for a new job and get myself qualified. Maybe I need to both constantly find my inner motivation and regularly feed it and also move with the tide. And maybe beginning to feel a complacency/dependancy in love is actually comfort and security. I don’t know why that last bit is still a scary though also a very inviting prospect.

Maybe am just going to end up like any other girl. Scary. Very scary.

Tags: ambition, confidence, drive, finding oneself, love, motivation, Scary