“I love you”, he said into the phone.
She kept sitting there on the stool hearing nothing in the midnight silence
except the loud thuds of her heart. Her heartbeat went from normal to extremely slow
while she tried to take a few gasps of breath as softly as possible so he wouldn’t hear her.
“I really do”, he said a little more urgently.
In that one moment all her fears of perhaps being with the wrong person, of perhaps
thinking loving someone is wrong, of perhaps thinking she couldn’t possibly love someone as
dangerous to her as him faded into the dark night. Her entire body leapt in response to his words.
She wanted to say yes.
She wanted to say yes more than she wanted to breathe and she couldn’t believe she could
feel like this.
“Are you sure”, she asked softly waiting for reassurance.
“Yes” he says…”when it rains I think of you and it rains here every day.
It makes me yearn for you.”
She smiled and said, “I feel the same way.”
That night she slept feeling the passion of first love. She felt a rush, an excitement,
a thrill, a need to be with him so strong that it created a physical ache in her gut.
She slept with a smile on her lips and romance in her heart.
————————————————————————
At 7 am he woke her up as usual. Her phone rang and before she even picked it up she
Knew it would be him. As it had been for almost a year now.
“Rise and shine gorgeous!” She smiled and it was the best start to the day.
At 3 pm that afternoon he called her again.
“I was missing you,” she said.
“hey me too…I wanted to tell you something. What I said yesterday…forget about it. I mean
I’m really sorry but I don’t think I actually do.”
“You don’t think you love me?”
“I…I think so…I feel like that right now…I..dunno…maybe I do. But I keep thinking of her too.
I miss her.”
————————————————————————————
It had happened again. It was the thousandth time that he professed he felt something and
then retracted almost immediately. It was the thousandth time when he spoke about her. ‘But why?
But why did he have to woo me? I hadn’t loved him. In all our years of friendship
I had only seen all seasons with him as a friend. As he began to feel he had lost her, he had
turned the force of his potent charm to me.’
There was flirting, flowers, walks in the rain, moments where they had almost kissed
…he awoke the woman in her…he awoke her to her potential to feel
love and passion and she tried hard to fight it. But she had always known that as anything more than a friend
he would be dangerous to her. She was just a straight forward tom-boy who loved to read
and had never experienced much male attention. But he…he was the classic Casanova, not very
obviously good looking but attractive, dangerous, exuding sexual confidence.
In that one moment when he hesitated, her heart raced over the various possibilities…could she be in love
with him? Could she have a relationship just to find out? Would it break her heart if he
left? And then she knew she could never be second. Second to anyone.
This time as a tear fell down her eyelashes and cascaded her cheek, she said
in a steady voice, “I think you should be with her. You’re uncertain and your feelings for
her are pulling you to me. I think you should figure out which way you want the wind to blow.”
She said the words hoping against hope that he won’t choose to leave. She said the words with
extreme pride. Pride that hides the biggest wound ever…the wound of a heartbreak.
——————————————————————————
He chose to stay away for a month and they decided it would be best to not speak in that while.
Not once did she pick up the phone to call him. Not once did she make the mistake of texting
him. But every hour she looked at the phone hoping he would, as he had always done on
the hour. Every hour she looked at the phone with a lump in her throat telling herself it was
for the best…it would never have worked out…she could never be in love with someone who was
still hung up on his ex. But it hurt. Every hour yet another knife would slice up a piece of her heart
while she waited impatiently. He was as proud as her. He did not call that entire month.
Time flew fast. It also moved at a snails pace and was sometimes so excruciatingly slow that she would
wonder whether she had given into the pain and moved into a still oblivion. But time did pass and with
determination she wrenched her heart free from him. She did it for herself because she could never
be second. The monthwas finally over.
————————————————————————————
“Hey…how you doing?” He asked the moment she picked up the phone.
“Hi…I’m fine. How’re things with you? How’s the job and life in general?”
“Great…I met a senior manager at the office and they want to give me…” the trivialities continued
for a while until they reached an awkward silence.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry to put you through this. Thanks for being so mature… you were right.
I do love her. And I was confusing my feelings for her with my feelings for you. You’re the bestest friend
ever and I’m sorry for screwing that up.”
Somehow it didn’t hurt. It didn’t hurt that much because in the span of the month she had forced
herself to stop loving him. She had forced herself to know that he thought of someone else and that even
if he came back she wouldn’t take him. But she also knew that they could be best friends again after
a while because he was proud as she was. So neither would be a fool to succumb to their feelings.
———————————————————————————–
Ten years later they are still friends and every time they meet there is an odd sense of nostalgia…
about what could have been. But they also know each other well. They look at their current chosen
partners with amusement knowing that they could have been better but also feeling content and lucky to have walked
away years ago knowing they could have been worse.
Tags: acceptance, broken heart, decision, first love, friends, life, love, nostalgia
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